It's like that "Queen Bees and Wannabes" book.

This is very astute. I live in a Texas suburb that is known for its new money. I know a lot of kids from the area who didn't really understand before leaving home that there was even a distinction.

It's the difference between wanting to buy all the Kiel James Patrick bracelets... and taking sailing lessons.

That verbiage isn't originally mine, but from a wonderful book called Something In The Wind by Lee Smith. The main character is (on paper) a perfect Southern belle but she's really not feeling it.

And along those lines, a lot of people confuse proximity with popularity. Yeah, maybe you always got invited to things because your parents had either the money or connections to get you into the right camp/school/dance lessons etc. Maybe you were truly invited for you, but maybe it was because Susie's parents told her she HAD to invite you because Susie's mom and your mom were on a charity ball committee together and Susie's mom didn't want to have to explain why Susie blew you off. Or maybe you were just there and no one thought about you one way or the other. In this age where everyone is told they're special, it's even more of a wrench when you find out you're ordinary. I guess I should rephrase that. Everyone does have something that they can be special at, but sometimes it takes a lifetime to get into the framework where you can find out what it is.

Great observation. I see this too. I'm in a position where I work with old money people, new money people and middle class people (I belong to the last category) and you are exactly right. Growing up in middle class suburbs in the 70's/80's, I had no idea about how other people lived. I knew some people had more and some had less (thanks to John Hughes films) but it wasn't that different from me. Then I went off to a college that had mostly middle class kids some "new money" and I realized there was another world out there. Now, in my current job, I see extreme wealth that has been in families for generations. It's been very interesting to observe the unwritten social rules of all three income levels. All three income levels are made up of wonderful people and some not so wonderful people.

With social media, I think high school and college students are so much more aware of class divisions but might not know where they fit in exactly.

bump for 2023! There are some great posts here and things that never change over the years.

33, did you ever read any books by Florence King? Usually told in the first person, she is at a party where she is (purposely) not living up to Belle Standards. The hostess tells her that she's offended Susie Snob, and "mention that you're an Upton!" Florence walks by Susie Snob and stage whispers, "My mother was an Upton" to which SS says something to the effect that "MOST of the Uptons are quite honorable."

I think it really depends on the situation.

Situation 1: You get a bid from a house that isn't your top choice, but you enjoyed your time with them during recruitment. You didn't dislike this chapter or feel uncomfortable there, you just preferred others. You could see yourself being friends with the women in this chapter and with the women in your rush group who love this chapter. In this case, I think it's better to accept the bid.

Situation 2: You maximized your options, but the only houses you were invited back to are houses you consistently ranked at the bottom of your list and did not want to return to. You genuinely feel that you don't fit in with these women or the other women who are returning to their parties and love this group. You don't feel a connection to the chapter or to the national organization (philanthropy, legacy, etc.). The idea of being tied to this chapter upsets you. In this case, I believe it's better to go GDI.

Personally, I think it's better for both parties if a PNM chooses not to accept a bid than if she accepts a bid at a house she truly does not want to join. There's also a big difference in accepting a bid from a house that you liked but didn't love and accepting a bid from a house that you actively felt wasn't a fit. I also think before declining the bid, the PNM should consider whether there are other factors at play that might strengthen her connection to this chapter, even if she's not feeling it in the moment. For example: Are you a legacy? Do you have a lot of friends in this sorority at other schools? Do you love their philanthropy? Are they a strong national organization with a lot of opportunities for alumni involvement?