Dilemma - to be in friend's wedding, or not
 

I've been asked to be in a friend's wedding this fall. He recently got engaged over the holidays.

The problem is I don't like his fiance. I share this sentiment with mutual friends, some who've distanced themselves from him because of her. In the early part of their relationship, she was very controlling and divisive; she never wanted him to spend time with his friends - a few years ago, she sent me a DM via Facebook and thanked me for inviting my friend on a camping trip, but said "he regretfully cannot make it". He later told me that he really wanted to go, but she put her foot down.

I'm happy for him, really. But I don't want to be in this wedding, and neither do I want to attend, partially because a few mutual friends have been left off the guest list, and also because only within the past year has she attempted to befriend me.

This has never happened to me before. How do I convey this to my friend without hurting his feelings? Could this possibly damage our friendship? Or, should I suck it up and stand at his wedding anyway?

You should never stand up at a wedding when you oppose the marriage. Being a bridesmaid/ groomsman actually does MEAN something. Whether you attend as a guest is your decision... assuming that you are invited, which may not happen.

I appreciate that. I've pretty much decided that I won't go through with it, I'm just trying to decide whether to tell him in person or by phone. I don't know what his reaction will be.

Your friendship is already damaged. I wouldn't be surprised if you were a "concession" and there's someone in the pipeline (her choice, of course) in case you turn it down.

Tell him in person. If he asks why, be honest and say you truly don't feel welcome where she is concerned. I mean....you guys are not 21. Anyone who tries to cut out their partner's friends at this point in life is bad news (unless it's a legit reason like substance abuse) and maybe this will wake him up.

One of my more popular and rowdy sisters got married and a group of us went for the wedding. During the reception they showed a video with their separate lives up to the wedding and then them together. There were NO photos of her with sisters at all - even though there were two tables full of us. We were all offended and had no doubt it was the groom's doing. She is no longer married to this douche, thank heaven.

If this were my good friend, I would tell him privately, in person. Think carefully in advance about what you want to say to him. His reaction will be his reaction. Nothing you can really do about that. I would definitely refrain from saying anything really nasty about the fiance. After all, he IS marrying her, so assume he loves her and will take her "side".

Thanks for the replies and advice, everyone!

Yes, I will tell him in person. At first, I thought about inviting him to lunch or dinner. But as was recommended, it's probably best to tell him in private. I'd actually love to go to his bachelor party, but we'll see what happens after I talk with him.

I'm going to take the opposite side.
You're not marrying his fiancee; he is.
You're there to support the groom. And Lord knows, he may need a lot of support.

I'm with Anchor Alum. Standing up with him means you support YOUR FRIEND, not that you endorse the wedding. Because basically unless he comes to you and asks you directly if you think this marriage is a good idea... only then do you offer your opinion. He has already expressed his opinion by proposing (or accepting the proposal if she was the one who pitched) but if he's a good friend, stand by him. If/when this union hits the skids, he needs to know who his friends are.

I've been a bridesmaid in two weddings for friends who were marrying guys that I had some serious reservations about their desire to get married. Its such a complicated issue. For them both I agreed to participate they were both out of town weddings as my friends lived in different cities, so my involvement in pre-ceremony activities was nil. For one friend my unhappiness with the situation was apparent, several months later we chatted about it and we came to an understanding, surprisingly my friend was very understanding of my feelings and appreciated me telling her. For the second wedding which occurred about 4 years after the first one, I sucked it up as best as I could and put on a happy face the bride was none the wiser (at least as far as I know).

I agree with thetalady, if you have such strong negative feelings about the union I would seriously consider your decision. I don't know your friend's situation if he has other male friends or family members he could ask? And yes I think if you ultimately decide to not participate, I would express your feelings and concerns if at all possible in person and have a conversation with the two of you only. His fiancée doesn't need to be involved.

I would talk to your friend before committing to being in the wedding or not. Tell him your reservations simply - without degrading his fiancée or his decision to marry her. If you have not spent quality time with her, and are basing your decision not to like her on what other friends say or one face book message, I would really think before you back out.