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ROUND 3- SISTERHOOD
PNMs would receive the schedule for the sisterhood round early in the morning. Like philanthropy, sisterhood was split into two days. I woke up early and waited for the text from Minnie. When I saw it, my heart dropped.
The Elsas had LET HER GO.
What?!?!
How could this be?
Minnie had had a great conversation with them. They had said things that I thought might border on dirty rushing/bid promising but I had brushed those statements off in light of her excitement.
Her schedule read:
Ariel
Jasmine
Belle
I felt a surge of anger and sadness.
Minnie was likely the most accomplished PNM our family had had and the Elsas had rejected her. Not only that, but we had a family member in the house in a major leadership role. In my clouded state of mind, the anger multiplied and a sense of betrayal replaced the sadness.
I asked Minnie how she felt and she told me she was disappointed and a little confused but ok. She said she knew in her heart that she was not a good fit with Ariel, Belle, or Jasmine. I suggested she speak with her Gamma Chis to help her process her thoughts and options.
Minnie reached out to her Gamma Chis, one of whom was already helping a distraught PNM. (She later learned it was the sweet PNM in her group who was a strong legacy to the Annas, who had released her.) The second Gamma Chi was less than sympathetic but did refer Minnie to “Tinkerbell,” a wonderful member of Panhellenic Council. Tinkerbell spent a lot of time talking with Minnie about her feelings and encouraged her to give her remaining three houses another try. Minnie agreed to do that. She didn’t want to make any rash judgements or a decision she would regret by dropping out of recruitment without giving those houses another chance.
Meanwhile, I had informed Merryweather, Fauna, and Flora of the news.
Merryweather said she was surprised that Minnie had been released (“Releasing her I do not understand at all but sometimes it just doesn’t make sense.”) She followed that up with the directive that Minnie needed to give her last three houses a shot and to choose one of them. “Any of those houses would be lucky to have her. Tell her just to get in one,” she advised.
She didn’t know what was happening with the Elsas but she said that it appeared the Annas had made a “statement” with their legacies, releasing them at a surprisingly high rate. My Anna DIL would later make a similar pronouncement. (Both Merryweather and my DIL offered some actual figures. Although fully aware that membership selection is private, I didn’t doubt their numbers since they closed aligned and because neither of these women is the type to make up something to make Minnie feel better.)
Fauna seemed to be as shocked and horrified as I was by Minnie’s outcome. Although we had never met in person and she was stressing about Daisy’s recruitment, Fauna texted me throughout the day, checking in and offering support. Thankfully, Daisy was having a great recruitment and though she had been released from a few houses in the first round, she was thrilled to see her top houses back on her schedule for sisterhood round.
Flora was also stunned by Minnie’s release. She questioned whether there was an issue between Minnie and our Elsa relative. Though the girls weren’t close growing up because of geography, they had always gotten along when they saw each other and the relative had seemed so excited when Minnie decided to attend Fairytale.
Flora then asked whether the relative could have drama with any other Elsas who might want to punish her by releasing her family member. Flora said she had heard of this happening in another sorority at another school. I hadn’t thought of this angle (and of course had no way to know if that was a possibility), but it sickened me to think that Minnie might have been a pawn in such a scheme, especially with this chapter at this school.
“There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with Minnie,” Flora assured me. “She is beautiful, talented, and poised. My gut is telling me that there is more to this story.” She said that in all her years and experience, she had never seen a PNM with Minnie’s qualifications and personality have this happen to her. I don’t know if she was just attempting to make me feel better, but it did work, at least temporarily.
I was holding out hope that Minnie might find a connection with one of her last three houses.
After talking with Tinkerbell, Minnie had two houses to prepare for. (The Belles would be on the second day of the sisterhood round.) She watched the house tour videos and got dressed in what had been her favorite recruitment outfit.
Day 1- Sisterhood
Ariel: Of her three remaining houses, the Ariels were probably the group that Minnie felt best about. Unfortunately, the active she with whom she was paired (who she had met and liked in the previous round) opened their interaction with a statement that turned off Minnie totally. It was something along the lines of “We were surprised to see your name on the list Minnie! I thought you would probably be going to other houses.” Although I suggested later that the girl was probably just trying to express that she liked her, Minnie had interpreted the active’s comment as a sign that the Ariels didn’t have much confidence in themselves. The rest of the conversation was ok but the active talked a lot about the Ariels’ participation in shows and what a great bonding experience that was with her sisters. Minnie has many gifts but being music is not one of them. With her only musical experience being an ill-fated stint with the flute in middle school band, Minnie just didn’t feel a connection to this active or the chapter as a whole. The Ariels were a no.
Jasmine: Minnie was assigned to a Jasmine she had met the previous round, and oddly enough, this girl also mentioned being “surprised and excited” to have Minnie back at their house. Though Minnie liked the girl and described her as “really nice,” she just didn’t feel a connection and couldn’t see herself as a Jasmine. Another no.
Day 2- Sisterhood
Belle: Though the two Belles that Minnie spoke to didn’t say they were surprised to see her, Minnie still didn’t feel positively about the prospective of being a Belle. She thought they were just “too much” for her—too much energy, too loud, too “in your face.” She had nothing bad to say about the Belles personally. She just could never imagine being part of their group. The third party was also a miss, which wasn’t a surprise given that Minnie had been averse to the Belles since the beginning.
With the sisterhood round over, Minnie had a decision to make. She spoke again with Tinkerbell, the PHC rep, who encouraged her to trust herself and do what she thought was right. I also encouraged Minnie to trust her gut.
After an hour of deliberation, Minnie returned with a verdict. Although she knew she wanted to be part of a sorority, she sensed that she wasn’t a fit for Ariel, Belle, or Jasmine. Minnie made the difficult decision to withdraw from recruitment.
At the same time, Minnie did decide she would register for COB. If nothing else, the process had reaffirmed her desire to be in a sorority.
Tinkerbell and Flora both offered to help her as much as they could during the COB process. Even Fauna (only somewhat calmed that Daisy's near perfect recruitment was continuing) was already strategizing how to make sure that Minnie had a successful COB. Minnie would be the first in our family to participate in COB. Though I’m not normally a very emotional person, I broke down in tears when I called to cancel the bid day basket I had preordered for her.
A few days later, I went home. Minnie would be on her own.
Mouse Mom Musings
Nearly a year later, writing this still brings up a lot of emotions. Though at first glance it may seem that my anger stems from my daughter being released by her legacy house, it’s more complicated than that. At first, there was a huge sense of betrayal directed toward the active Elsa who held a leadership position in the house. (I won’t bore you with the details, but I have had mixed feelings about that side of the family for as long as I can remember. I realize now that my mixed feelings about the Elsas were probably more related to the family ties than the chapter itself.)
The betrayal turned into anger when I thought of the possibility that Minnie had been limited in her choices because of her legacy ties while not getting any benefit for them either. It seemed especially unfair given that her legacy was not her choice. It seemed like she could have been punished for family affiliations forged before she was even born. I’m not saying that I definitively believe Minnie was released from so many houses because of her legacy. Of course, we have no way of knowing that. But even the possibility of it was upsetting.
My biggest worry had been that Minnie would be torn between houses she loved. That the difficult decision would be how to rank the houses, not whether she should even continue. I’m sorry to say that I never even considered the possibility this might happen.
I was also so sad for Minnie, who I knew was feeling rejected. Even when her senior year was cut short and stripped of all its rites of passage, even when she suffered an injury that removed all hope of competing in her sport collegiately, even when it became apparent that her first year of college would be far from normal, Minnie had never once complained. There had been no tears or tantrums. She had always looked for the positive.
I started to question the wisdom of letting my 17-year-old go to a college in the middle of a pandemic so far away. Maybe I should pack her up and take her home and start fresh next year. I floated this idea to Minnie who thought about it for a moment and declined. My brave, resilient daughter said “No mom. I’ve always wanted to go to Fairytale and I am going to stay. I’m not going to be one of those people who just quits when things don’t go their way.”
I admired Minnie now more than ever.
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