Dirty Rushing - Page 2

honeychile · #16 02-11-2020, 12:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by carnation

Tdlegacy, every woman who has commented in this thread has been a sorority advisor on the local or regional level, plus many have also been involved with Panhellenic. Some of us are moms whose daughters' rushes may or may not have been so great. You would not believe the things we have seen or heard in recruitment.

Regardless,we can tell you that a bid will not appear now, no matter what kinds of proof you have. For now, her options are to remain independent until the next recruitment or to see if she can still pledge the sorority that gave her a bid. And I guarantee that if you get involved, she will not only never get a bid from the first sorority but that other sororities will talk and they won't want a member whose mom gets involved in the wrong way.

This. Your daughter will most certainly NOT benefit from an aggressive mother at this point. Her best game plan is to keep her grades up, join an activity or two, and if she gets a natural chance to make friends with sorority member, all the better. A natural chance being having a class or an activity with a sister of any sorority, not just the one she wanted. Nobody wants to give a bid to someone seen as desperate or pushy.

OldFLDDD · #17 02-11-2020, 02:51 PM

You've gotten lots of good advice and information here. There is nothing to be gained by going to the national office, except for them to speak with this chapter with reminders about what can and can't be said during recruitment--which is not going to have any kind of positive impact on your daughter. As others have mentioned, recruitment is exhausting and emotionally tolling on both sides--but particularly for those on the other side. A lot of these girls are still teenagers and mean well and may have been saying all of these things to your daughter because they LOVED her and wanted her to list them first on her MRABA. But it is *highly* unlikely that any of these girls knew where she'd fall on their bid list, and therefore were not able to "promise" her anything--all bid promising rules aside. I'll never forget an absolutely darling girl that went through when I was an active--I loved her to death, the ultimate rush crush. I talked and talked her up but she still didn't land high enough on our bid list to get her. I was crushed, and I know she was as well. Fortunately, I had never made any kind of promise or implied in any way that she'd get a bid from us. I just don't see how your daughter has anything to gain from taking this any higher than her school's panhellenic office. They should report it back to the house, which would prompt extra "reminding" for the actives next year.

Titchou · #18 02-11-2020, 05:06 PM

As a former Membership Adviser for more than one chapter and now serving on an NPC committee, the FSA at the school should report the chapter its national HQ. I would also say that the PNM (your daughter)should file a recruitment infraction against the group but I know she won't do it...from what you have said....as she would have to admit to having asked the question and all the campus would know -if they don't already. I think you have done all you can do. Anything else is up to your daughter.

thetalady · #19 02-11-2020, 05:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Titchou

As a former Membership Adviser for more than one chapter and now serving on an NPC committee, the FSA at the school should report the chapter its national HQ. I would also say that the PNM (your daughter)should file a recruitment infraction against the group but I know she won't do it...from what you have said....as she would have to admit to having asked the question and all the campus would know -if they don't already. I think you have done all you can do. Anything else is up to your daughter.

May I add that if your daughter reports an infraction anywhere, she better be absolutely certain of the exact words used by the actives who "dirty rushed" her. That allegation is not taken lightly. There are very specific things that can and cannot be said. They may have tip toed right UP to the line, but may not have crossed it. Before getting anyone in trouble, it is important that the facts and specific statements are accurate.

Tdlegacy · #20 02-12-2020, 12:25 AM

33 girl
I used the word intentional bidding because I hate to use the word suicide. I should have clarified myself. The derogatory remarks were body shaming and laughing at her. It was humiliating and intimidating to have this happen at rush. My daughter was recently bullied by college boys about his so it is a sensitive subject. I am not sure what the girls intent was but the damage is done. My daughter made an appointment to talk to the president of that chapter. Nothing more she can do accept report the remarks however it is difficult to understand someone’s intent in such a short period of time.

Tdlegacy · #21 02-12-2020, 12:30 AM

Honeychile,
Thank you for the advice and response. I do not think she is being pushy she has been friends with several girls in the sorority for 12 years. She still considers them friends but feels betrayed if that makes sense. The perception of betrayal needs to be cleared up or the friendships will be compromised.

Tdlegacy · #22 02-12-2020, 12:37 AM

Thank you for your response. Yes you are correct. They did cross the line but I do not believe it was intentional however it did mislead her and sway her decisions during rush. She has so many friends in the sorority everyone is aware of what was said. An older officer has apologized to my daughter for the situation so I think we will leave it at that for now and see what happens the next couple of days.

Tdlegacy · #23 02-12-2020, 12:43 AM

OldFLDDD
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. She has many friends in the house and they were all talking about scoring her high so I genuinely believe they thought she was at the top of the list. An officer of the sorority apologized to my daughter because she truly believed she was getting a bid and understood what members were saying to her. At this point she will not make a complaint and was encouraged that someone admitted that they did not treat her fairly even if it was unintentional.

Tdlegacy · #24 02-12-2020, 12:47 AM

Titchou
Thank you for your response. An officer for the sorority apologized to her and realized that the conversations were not appropriate because they were misleading. I do not think she will report them because she truly does not believe they were being malicious it was just unfortunate the way it worked out.

Tdlegacy · #25 02-12-2020, 12:56 AM

Thetalady,

It was body shaming and laughing at her. Not sure about the intentions of it but my daughter has recently been bullied for the same issue so the damage is done. She set up a meeting with the Dorothy president to explain the situation. Hopefully this does not bite her in the ass later. Thank you for your response.

Tdlegacy · #26 02-12-2020, 01:08 AM

33girl
I used the word intentional bidding because I hate to use the word suicide. I should have clarified myself. The derogatory remarks were body shaming and laughing at her. It was humiliating and intimidating to have this happen at rush. My daughter was recently bullied by college boys about his so it is a sensitive subject. I am not sure what the girls intent was but the damage is done. My daughter made an appointment to talk to the president of that chapter. Nothing more she can do accept report the remarks however it is difficult to understand someone’s intent in such a short period of time.[/QUOTE]

Sororitysock · #27 02-12-2020, 03:07 AM

So the dirty rushing was fine with your daughter when she thought she would benefit from it? Why wouldn't she report it when it happened if it was so clear it and objectionable? So now all her many longtime close friends in the sorority told her how they were scoring her? The more you add, the less believable this is becoming.

33girl · #28 02-12-2020, 06:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tdlegacy

33girl
I used the word intentional bidding because I hate to use the word suicide. I should have clarified myself. The derogatory remarks were body shaming and laughing at her. It was humiliating and intimidating to have this happen at rush. My daughter was recently bullied by college boys about his so it is a sensitive subject. I am not sure what the girls intent was but the damage is done. My daughter made an appointment to talk to the president of that chapter. Nothing more she can do accept report the remarks however it is difficult to understand someone’s intent in such a short period of time.

[/QUOTE]

Like you said, it’s difficult to understand someone’s intent especially in such an emotionally charged situation. No doubt this was a rusher who was super nervous herself and probably wanted to take back what she said the minute it came out of her mouth.

And for the record, the “modern” term for suiciding is “Intentional Single Preference” or ISP.

carnation · #29 02-12-2020, 06:12 AM

A sorority member made fun of your daughter's body and laughed at her? In rush? And they gave her a bid? I'm missing something here.

OldFLDDD · #30 02-12-2020, 07:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by carnation

A sorority member made fun of your daughter's body and laughed at her? In rush? And they gave her a bid? I'm missing something here.

I'm wondering if you, as the mom, are getting the entire actual story from your daughter. It seems highly unlikely to me as well that a house would say mean/derogatory things and then turn around and issue a bid. Just as it is unlikely that so many girls at her desired house would assure a PNM that she would get a bid. I have two daughters and their words are often colored with their emotions and often they see/report things the way they WANT to, vs. actual reality. They will say "so-and-so said I was such-and-such" and I'll ask if they *literally* said that and they'll back down and admit what the *actual* words were, which were not the same. What they hear and what was actually said are very often not the same thing when I do some digging, and they see/hear things differently than I do, as an objective adult.

I am so very sorry that your daughter's rush experience was not a good one and did not have her desired outcome. My daughter's was experience was, and continues to be, SO very different than my own and has pretty much been one disappointment after another. So I get it--I know that you're sad for her and wish things were different.