Joint account or separate account

[Cen1aur 1963]

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

See previous post where everything is in my name, except one credit card.

Seriously, I'll admit I might feel different if my name wasn't on everything, but I'll also say that if my husband ever changed his mind, I would haul him down to the bank the next day and put his name on everything.

LOL your situation is different. I think for you it's all good because your husband (based on what I read) is from a different culture than this culture. This culture is mostly about that dough.

Originally Posted by 33girl

Prenups and day to day accounts are two VERY different issues.

Not really.

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Prenups and day to day accounts are not that different for many people. Prenups are another way of preserving personal assets just as with having a separate account or separate investments. Preserving personal assets covers any change in the relationship.

This.

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Pre-nups; separate accounts; and separate investments all protect oneself or family/kids (for those who have family/kids to protect). Protection is protection regardless of who is being protected and where the resources are coming from. That's what Centaur1963 was saying.

This is exactly what I was saying.

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Did you read it?

I want to know more than just how he handles money and the whole joint or separate accounts thing. I want to know what he wants his life to look like over time. I might find that my goals are different. How does he spend his money? How does he handle stress? How does he speak to me and others? Is he sensitive and considerate to my needs? What is his attitude toward my views, goals, and gifts? Is he a man of discipline –faithful to keep his word? What is his reputation like at church, at work, among his family and friends? What is his relationship with God like? What is his sense of community at work and church as well as at home? It’s more about just finances to me, and this is just a short list. In other words, by the time I reach the altar, I should already know or have a very good idea what kind of man I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with.

LOL damn, you don't have to get all mad about it. I feel you, but a lot of people think they know the person, sometimes all the way up to 25 years of marriage, and still find something out they didn't know before. There have been folks who have been married for years, and still divorced, mainly because someone was cheating. One of my frat brothers parents got a divorce when he was in college. They had been married for over 20 years. Just because you make it to the altar and you think you know a dude, doesn't mean he's going to hang around. In fact you might decide to leave. Who knows? Just sayin'. Then you mentioned family. Of course he's going to have a good rep with in his family, I would think. When I meet a girl who I eventually want to marry, I'm going to marry her, not her family. No offense, but you're too complicated, LOL.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by Cen1aur 1963

I feel you, but a lot of people think they know the person, sometimes all the way up to 25 years of marriage, and still find something out they didn't know before.

I agree.

This is one of the many things in life that does not work in formulas. There are a lot of happy people and happy marriages. However, it isn't as though everyone who thinks they have the answer for their life and marriage are all correct. A lot of people are shocked because they thought they did everything as it should be done. Even with a faith base, that can breed a lot of bitterness and animosity because people are wondering what works if how they lived their life and handled their marriage didn't work.

Religiosity and Spirituality + strong family background + strong presence in church and community + excellent career CAN STILL EQUAL horrible marriage and inevitable divorce. It can also equal happy marriage and eventual divorce.

Also, everyone's happy when things are happy. How you really know people and know the strength of a union is to see how things are when shit hits the fan and things are miserable. Finances, illnesses, infidelity (not everyone cheats), getting a little tired of each other for seemingly superficial reasons, etc.

[preciousjeni]

My husband and I pool everything into joint accounts. We don't make enough to have separate accounts, so we agree on all expenditures down to the last penny.

For most of our marriage, I have brought more money into the household, but he has been largely supporting us since I left my job earlier this year. I also handle all the finances myself, though he is fully aware of where we stand.

In all things, finances included, we trust each other 100%. We may be fools for that blind faith...only time will tell.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

This is one of the many things in life that does not work in formulas. . . . .

Also, everyone's happy when things are happy. How you really know people and know the strength of a union is to see how things are when shit hits the fan and things are miserable. Finances, illnesses, infidelity (not everyone cheats), getting a little tired of each other for seemingly superficial reasons, etc.

Co-sign.

[agzg]

Originally Posted by preciousjeni

My husband and I pool everything into joint accounts. We don't make enough to have separate accounts, so we agree on all expenditures down to the last penny.

For most of our marriage, I have brought more money into the household, but he has been largely supporting us since I left my job earlier this year. I also handle all the finances myself, though he is fully aware of where we stand.

In all things, finances included, we trust each other 100%. We may be fools for that blind faith...only time will tell.

Well but your situation necessitates that, and it's what works for you. Nothing wrong with that. You may feel differently down the line but really it does all come down to (broken record time) what works is what works, and is individual to any partnership.

[preciousjeni]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Also, everyone's happy when things are happy. How you really know people and know the strength of a union is to see how things are when shit hits the fan and things are miserable. Finances, illnesses, infidelity (not everyone cheats), getting a little tired of each other for seemingly superficial reasons, etc.

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Co-sign.

I missed this comment, but co-sign for real. I am married to the most patient, loving man I've ever met. I have serious anger and temper issues that started during my childhood. It's hard for me not to lash out when things are bad, but he has taught me a better way.

When things have been at their worst, that's when we have gotten the closest as a couple. On the other hand, we haven't caught a break since we got married. It's been a ridiculous struggle the entire time...financially, professionally, medically, spiritually, etc.

If it's not one thing, it's another to the point that I have remarked that this can't be real life. It's surreal the kinds of crazy things that happen when we're around. lol

[aephi alum]

We chose a mixed bag on our bank accounts. We each have our own checking accounts, but we have joint checking and savings accounts. We used to direct-deposit both our paychecks into the joint account. Currently, I'm self-employed, so when I get paid I cut a check from my business account to the joint account ... however, only I have signatory power on the business account

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

I know I'm going to sound all fuddy-duddy bemoaning the downfall of today's society, but I can't help but think that issues like this make divorce more common. Not just the actual financial issues, but the fact that we have trained ourselves to CYA in regards to marriage. We go in with contingency plans and ready to bail if we feel it necessary. We make it easy because then if things don't work out, we can shrug our shoulders and move on. What would happen if people once again treated marriage of less of an experiment and more of a serious commitment? I feel that if you're seriously ready to make that kind of commitment to someone, you should be ready to tie yourselves irrevocably to that person. And this is coming from someone who many people would feel has had plenty of legitimate "excuses" to throw in the towel and not look back.

/soapbox sermon

I used to think that way too, until I lost almost everything I had .. TWICE. My first husband was so controlling with money that I had an allowance that wasn't enough to cover my gas to get to work and home. I had no way to know he would be like that until we were married. We did what cheerfulgreek said and lived on one income, banking the other, supposedly. When I was getting ready to leave, I tried to take money out of our savings, found out there was only $3000 in there, when there should have been ten times that much AND he had never turned in the card that I signed so I wasn't on the account. I was scared to death because I was penniless without half that money (even thought it was only $3000). I needed that cash for a deposit on my apartment and the truck to move my stuff out. When he got home from work that day, I told him that I knew I wasn't on the savings and we were going the next day to put me on it or else I would leave him (which was really risky for me to do because he was getting increasingly violent). So he put my name on it and I left him with half that money.

Second marriage? He was GREAT with his money. He had saved enough for a down payment on our house, he always had money, was investing in retirement. Really managed it well. Of course, he was living at home, didn't have ANY bills at all. None. Not a single bill did he pay. Once we had a mortgage, a baby, day care costs, utility bills.. he still spent like he did when he had NO bills. And he spent ALL the cash using his debit card for everything so I'd have to charge groceries when the debit card was rejected at the grocery store. With the divorce, he got the house, I got the debt and we both lost ALL of our retirement.

I will NEVER EVER be without my own funds again. It simply won't happen, no matter how much I love him, how much I think I'd be with him forever, there is no way. NO WAY. Most divorced people pretty much feel the same way though, in my experience.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Cen1aur 1963

LOL damn, you don't have to get all mad about it. I feel you, but a lot of people think they know the person, sometimes all the way up to 25 years of marriage, and still find something out they didn't know before. There have been folks who have been married for years, and still divorced, mainly because someone was cheating. One of my frat brothers parents got a divorce when he was in college. They had been married for over 20 years. Just because you make it to the altar and you think you know a dude, doesn't mean he's going to hang around. In fact you might decide to leave. Who knows? Just sayin'.

Cen1aur, I was not mad at you, at all. Believe me, if I didn't like you for whatever reason, I wouldn't even chat with you or respond to you. I was just posting what I believe and what I feel strongly about, that's all I was doing.

In response to your post, I don't know your fraternity brother's parents, so I don't know what kind of marriage they had. Also, know that you can never take your relationships for granted. Relationships have to be maintained just like the rest of your life. Too much, too little, too late, is usually the story in too many relationships where couples chose to coast, assuming no news was good news. No news usually means your mate has just found a way to compensate for whatever need you (in general) are not meeting. Should she/he reach a point that the other becomes more satisfying, guess what? -you will be replaced. I'm not justifying women or men seeking fulfillment outside of their marriages, it's just that relationships that are not diligently maintained can crumble.

Originally Posted by Cen1aur 1963

Then you mentioned family. Of course he's going to have a good rep with in his family, I would think. When I meet a girl who I eventually want to marry, I'm going to marry her, not her family.

Yes, I did mention family, and no he may not have a good reputation with his family. Or better yet, his family may not be all together themselves. It's just that for me, where a man comes from has a lot to do with how he will function in relationships. I just think it's important to decide if you like what you see. I want to see how he relates to his parents, his siblings, and others with whom he has significant relationships. Is there a positive connection? All negative links will affect your interaction with this person. You may not be marrying the family, but you will be inheriting their issues. -the negative energy will be transferred to you. In other words, the issues he has with his mother will become issues he has with me. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't get involved with some guy who comes from a dysfunctional family.

Originally Posted by Cen1aur 1963

No offense, but you're too complicated, LOL

No offense taken. I just think it's important to have standards because these standards affect your compatibility and your ability to sustain a long-term relationship. It's just that in order for your relationship to be secure, I just think it's important to operate from the same platform. Therefore, there should be some nonnegotiables about anyone you consider connecting to.

And again, no I wasn't mad at you. Okay?

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by agzg

Live-in and I are planning on buying a home. We don't have credit cards together (and might not do that because of what happened with his parents when they divorced) but you can have a mortgage in both names which would require either the house be sold or your share bought out by whoever remains in the house. Which, when you think about it, is fair. Might be a strain, but it's fair.

I think this depends what state you are in. IANAL, but certain rights of property ownership are granted in the Illinois Civil Union bill, and I can't remember the details. In any case, I'm sure you have a real lawyer advising you :-)

I handle money and live-in pays me appropriate rent (I own the condo). I used to try to make him buy groceries and stuff, but it was so stressful, and now he just gives me the cash.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I will NEVER EVER be without my own funds again. It simply won't happen, no matter how much I love him, how much I think I'd be with him forever, there is no way. NO WAY. Most divorced people pretty much feel the same way though, in my experience.

Ditto for children of really bad divorces. I would NEVER not have my own account.

[PrettyBoy]

Joint.

[honeychile]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I will NEVER EVER be without my own funds again. It simply won't happen, no matter how much I love him, how much I think I'd be with him forever, there is no way. NO WAY. Most divorced people pretty much feel the same way though, in my experience.

Truth. If I had a dime for every person who has told me to pre-nup my fiance, I'd be stinking rich!

[VandalSquirrel]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I used to think that way too, until I lost almost everything I had .. TWICE. My first husband was so controlling with money that I had an allowance that wasn't enough to cover my gas to get to work and home. I had no way to know he would be like that until we were married. We did what cheerfulgreek said and lived on one income, banking the other, supposedly. When I was getting ready to leave, I tried to take money out of our savings, found out there was only $3000 in there, when there should have been ten times that much AND he had never turned in the card that I signed so I wasn't on the account. I was scared to death because I was penniless without half that money (even thought it was only $3000). I needed that cash for a deposit on my apartment and the truck to move my stuff out. When he got home from work that day, I told him that I knew I wasn't on the savings and we were going the next day to put me on it or else I would leave him (which was really risky for me to do because he was getting increasingly violent). So he put my name on it and I left him with half that money.

Second marriage? He was GREAT with his money. He had saved enough for a down payment on our house, he always had money, was investing in retirement. Really managed it well. Of course, he was living at home, didn't have ANY bills at all. None. Not a single bill did he pay. Once we had a mortgage, a baby, day care costs, utility bills.. he still spent like he did when he had NO bills. And he spent ALL the cash using his debit card for everything so I'd have to charge groceries when the debit card was rejected at the grocery store. With the divorce, he got the house, I got the debt and we both lost ALL of our retirement.

I will NEVER EVER be without my own funds again. It simply won't happen, no matter how much I love him, how much I think I'd be with him forever, there is no way. NO WAY. Most divorced people pretty much feel the same way though, in my experience.

I've lived so long (ever since I started working at 14) with my own money that I can't imagine only having shared accounts. My sister has been married three times and she had joint accounts with all husbands, she still has the same individual account that was opened for her as a child. As far as a pre-nup goes it depends on if I got married, and where I was living in regards to marriage and property. There are things I own or inherited that will stay in my family or be donated to a museum or organization and that's just the way it is.

When I was engaged we moved in together and had joint accounts to pay for household items and the wedding. This was in 2007 and Bank of America had crazy incentives so we both opened a checking and savings, then a joint checking and savings, a money market, and both got credit cards. The Alaska Airlines credit cards we got don't even exist anymore, but with all the freebies and perks it is no wonder they banking industry had problems and BofA no longer has my business. They did away with the platinum card I had and wanted me to reapply for the card that cost more with less benefits, no thanks.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by AGDee

We did what cheerfulgreek said and lived on one income, banking the other, supposedly.

Like I was saying earlier, it's much more than just that, for me. Honestly, just based on the little that you've posted about your second husband still living at home would have been a red flag for me. In every break up I've seen, there's always blame and finger pointing at the other person, yet people rarely want to point the finger at themselves. I also think that a lot of people don't truly know themselves. Knowing who you are is huge because if you don't know yourself, it will be hard for anyone else to get to know you. After all, how can you (in general) share your heart if you don't know what's really in it? For the most part, you attract what you are and what you think you deserve. The truth can be painful to absorb, but it is still truth. People instinctively know what they can get away with in your presence. They follow your cues. If you don't demand commitment and respect, they won't give it. Also never demand what you are not willing to give yourself. Relationships are always about giving. To get what you want, you sometimes have to give it first. How it begins is a good indication of how it will finish. In other words, what you see is what you'll get. I don't know much about your ex husbands except for what you've posted. I also don't know you, so I don't know what you look for in a potential partner or what you contributed to the failure of both marriages (besides choosing both as your husbands).

And this is just random. But people are the accumulation of their life experiences. They come to relationships preprogrammed from all of their love connections. They observe how to love from their parents, who may or may not have been a good illustration of what love looks like. And they've learned about it from how they've been treated in past relationships. Over time, these are things that will eventually be shown if you hang out with the person long enough to see their true colors. Is the relationship/marriage going to be perfect? No it is not. But forming a permanent link is only one step in the life of a relationship. Romance must continue, the desire to solve conflicts must continue, and the constant search of what will please the other person must continue. Never take the other person for granted -the moment you do, you are in danger of being either filed away or deleted and replaced. Bottom line, if it doesn't fit, don't force it. You will never be able to fix the other person. So, consider whether you can live with your potential partner as is. If not, move on. There is no shame in that.