"He's Just Not That Into You"...

[sigmagrrl]

Something about this book really annoys me. It's a bit insulting and has a message that every interaction we have with a man comes with a tinge of desperation attached.

It's not men's "fault" or women's "fault" that there is a gap in communication between the sexes, but to say that we are always thinking that "It's not me, it's him." if he doesn't call makes me mad.

Also, it sort of lets men off of the hook. I am a bit tired of the claim that men "just don't communicate like women". Um, ok, so if they know that, then why aren't there more books and shows telling MEN how to change their methods of communication, both verbal and non-verbal.

Why are women made out to be the seeker and destroyer of all relationships and men made out to be these mindless penises looking to get laid or escape capture?

I'm exhausted. It seems as if we would all be much better off if we just spoke our minds and stopped trying to analyze what was said, how to say it, anticipating the response, anticipating how to react to said response, acting aloof, acting interested, playing it cool, not calling within 2 days, pretending to not be home when someone calls, screening calls, getting someone to call you when you are on a boring date to get out of said date, treating dating like some sort of power play, treating each other as walking genitalia, looking at the shape of her thighs/size of his wallet instead of taking the time to find out the size and shape of someone's heart and soul.................. LORD!!

Was that an exhausting sentence? Yes, because that's how exhausting this cat and mouse game between genders feels!

One more thing: I know that there is something enticing and exciting about the "thrill of the chase", but how much isht would we cut through if we stopped playing it cool all the time and just tell someone we dig them? If they don't reciprocate, then fine, but at least you risked and that's the reward in and of itself!

[_Opi_]

sigmagrrl, *two thumbs up*

[James]

Naaaaah. Its still usually the girl's fault when relationships fail. If only because you have higher expectations then we (men) do.

Originally posted by sigmagrrl
Something about this book really annoys me. It's a bit insulting and has a message that every interaction we have with a man comes with a tinge of desperation attached.

It's not men's "fault" or women's "fault" that there is a gap in communication between the sexes, but to say that we are always thinking that "It's not me, it's him." if he doesn't call makes me mad.

Also, it sort of lets men off of the hook. I am a bit tired of the claim that men "just don't communicate like women". Um, ok, so if they know that, then why aren't there more books and shows telling MEN how to change their methods of communication, both verbal and non-verbal.

Why are women made out to be the seeker and destroyer of all relationships and men made out to be these mindless penises looking to get laid or escape capture?

I'm exhausted. It seems as if we would all be much better off if we just spoke our minds and stopped trying to analyze what was said, how to say it, anticipating the response, anticipating how to react to said response, acting aloof, acting interested, playing it cool, not calling within 2 days, pretending to not be home when someone calls, screening calls, getting someone to call you when you are on a boring date to get out of said date, treating dating like some sort of power play, treating each other as walking genitalia, looking at the shape of her thighs/size of his wallet instead of taking the time to find out the size and shape of someone's heart and soul.................. LORD!!

Was that an exhausting sentence? Yes, because that's how exhausting this cat and mouse game between genders feels!

One more thing: I know that there is something enticing and exciting about the "thrill of the chase", but how much isht would we cut through if we stopped playing it cool all the time and just tell someone we dig them? If they don't reciprocate, then fine, but at least you risked and that's the reward in and of itself!

[wrigley]

I just got the book and started reading it. From what I've read so far, sigmagrrl I disagree that this book is insulting to women. Have you actually read this book?

Unfortunately there are guys out there who send mixed signals. Instead of saying ,"hey I don't want to see you anymore" or "It's not going to work out and we see to see other people", they avoid confrontation or the dreaded "the talk". There are many of us who would have appreciated that instead of the breakup via email, phonecall, or etc..I appreciate that Greg Behrendt,one of the authors, actually tells women they don't have to put with men who treat them like dirt. As well Liz Tuccillo provides a womens perspective as to why some women continue to put up with shabby treatment. It will help some see through a mirage of what appears to be a quality guy when he's actually being a jerk.

There are books out there for men about relationships with women. Check amazon.com.

This book is a complete opposite from "The Rules". That book was much more insulting to women and matches your description. It was filled with schemes, lies, and games. Ironically both authors of "The Rules" are now divorced.

[_Opi_]

Originally posted by James
Naaaaah. Its still usually the girl's fault when relationships fail. If only because you have higher expectations then we (men) do.

Maybe it's the men's fault as well for not having any expectations

[sigmagrrl]

Originally posted by wrigley
I just got the book and started reading it. From what I've read so far, sigmagrrl I disagree that this book is insulting to women. Have you actually read this book?

Unfortunately there are guys out there who send mixed signals. Instead of saying ,"hey I don't want to see you anymore" or "It's not going to work out and we see to see other people", they avoid confrontation or the dreaded "the talk". There are many of us who would have appreciated that instead of the breakup via email, phonecall, or etc..I appreciate that Greg Behrendt,one of the authors, actually tells women they don't have to put with men who treat them like dirt. As well Liz Tuccillo provides a womens perspective as to why some women continue to put up with shabby treatment. It will help some see through a mirage of what appears to be a quality guy when he's actually being a jerk.

There are books out there for men about relationships with women. Check amazon.com.

This book is a complete opposite from "The Rules". That book was much more insulting to women and matches your description. It was filled with schemes, lies, and games. Ironically both authors of "The Rules" are now divorced.

wrigley, no I haven't read it, but I will. I was basing my argument on the general idea set forth re: the book in the press, etc. But I will read it and make another assessment....thanks!

[AchtungBaby80]

"The Rules" blows. If this is completely different than that, I'm going to read it.

[AGDee]

Originally posted by nikki1920
the fact that 8 months had passed since the "really great date" and he couldnt bother to pick up a phone and talk wasn't a clue? lol

They did a follow up of this one today on Oprah. The girl was there and they got the GUY there too. He admitted that he had a girlfriend all that time and was keeping that woman on his plate in case things didn't work out with the girlfriend. He and the girlfriend have now broken up and he indicated he'd like to see this woman now, but she didn't seem too interested, knowing that he had a girlfriend all that time.

Dee

[wrigley]

Originally posted by AGDee
They did a follow up of this one today on Oprah. The girl was there and they got the GUY there too. He admitted that he had a girlfriend all that time and was keeping that woman on his plate in case things didn't work out with the girlfriend. He and the girlfriend have now broken up and he indicated he'd like to see this woman now, but she didn't seem too interested, knowing that he had a girlfriend all that time.

Dee

I saw it too. It was fabulous. He looked so pathetic. Every single woman in a America now knows what he looks like and knows to avoid him.

[hottytoddy]

I just bought the book and I am about to start it. I'll get back to y'all on this one.

[hottytoddy]

OK I read the book and I liked it. It's kinda of a relief knowing what I know now. You know I'm sure we can all think of times where we read too much into things when the truth was that he wasn't asking us out, he wasn't putting forth much effort, and he was just not that into us. But instead we over-analyze every little move and convince ourselves that he likes us but he's busy, or scared.

Greg made some good points. I know a few of my friends who need to read it. Especially the pasrt about "He's just not that into you if he's having sex with someone else" I mean I cannot imagine trying to justify that.

It was also refreshing to know that my boyfriend doesn't fall into ANY of those categories.

[James]

Well . . even if he was just scared or whatever, it doesn't matter, you can only judge behavior not intent.

So you still have to act as if he wasn't that into you . . . thats also assuming that you have sent all the right obvious messages.

Originally posted by hottytoddy
OK I read the book and I liked it. It's kinda of a relief knowing what I know now. You know I'm sure we can all think of times where we read too much into things when the truth was that he wasn't asking us out, he wasn't putting forth much effort, and he was just not that into us. But instead we over-analyze every little move and convince ourselves that he likes us but he's busy, or scared.

Greg made some good points. I know a few of my friends who need to read it. Especially the pasrt about "He's just not that into you if he's having sex with someone else" I mean I cannot imagine trying to justify that.

It was also refreshing to know that my boyfriend doesn't fall into ANY of those categories.

[hottytoddy]

Originally posted by James
Well . . even if he was just scared or whatever, it doesn't matter, you can only judge behavior not intent.

So you still have to act as if he wasn't that into you . . . thats also assuming that you have sent all the right obvious messages.

UM, that's what I'm saying.

That's the point of the book as well.

[dphies00]

Guys I'm reading this book now. It's horrible - first, they say that fear of intimacy is an urban myth. Hearing that, it was on par with saying traffic patterns are an urban myth. It's horrible to examine the 'rules' of the book not as male vs. female, but as yourself and your past relationships with people who are all men. It's when you personalize the rules that its horrific to examine yourself and your past - that guy, that guy who introduced you to his parents as his girlfriend and then with whom you were very happy with for three months, well then when he got weird, well, then he wasn't weird, he wasn't that into you. I was very happy thinking he was werid, now I'm going to break it off because its him not me. Now, even when I broke it off with that weird guy cause he got weird, it still means that he wasn't that into me. Me. The book says I'm supposed to be empowered by breaking it off and having standards and every couple of sentences they remind me that I'm hot but that still means that most of the guys in my life are not that into me. If they're not running to date me now, they're not that into me. Which is harsh. Its like going back to that day in the third grade and having everyone in the class tell you smell funny or something.

[XOMichelle]

dphies00, I agree. The book kind ablows. I don't think anyone should give this book as a gift to a single woman.