Hi enlightenment06,
Thank you for your intriguing post. I thought you mentioned some neat points:
What results is that black women develop an inherent distrust in black men and think they don't need them, and black men don't fully understand how to nuture a black woman.
I understand how you use the word
distrust . Black women may develop less confidence in a Black guy. Women can't rely on a Black man to help them extend themselves in character. Black women also may get conditioned to see Black men as unable to fulfill their expectations in regard to displaying virtuous morality and uprightness.
On the other hand, do you really think Black women see themselves as not needing Black men or do you think that Black women look out on the prospective field of marrigable Black men and disheartedly see very few that live correctly and serve others unselfishly?
Part of being a man is knowing how to treat a women. Thus you have a bunch of adult black males who don't fully know how to be men therefore they don't act as such.
I agree that part of being a man is knowing how to treat a woman, but do you think that starts with the heart not in the mind? I teach the boys in my Sunday School classes that the first step in relating to a woman trains you to soften your heart by developing purity (or seeing women in a nonsexual way). When that happens, a boy automatically begins to treat a girl with kindness, with gentleness, and with politeness.
I was in Wal-Mart's pharmacy section about two weeks ago standing in the toothpaste aisle. A group of men looking at some mouthwash stood a few feet to my right Suddenly, a young scantily dressed woman passed by our aisle as she walked to the cold medicine section. I glanced at her slightly, but the group of men standing to my right ogled her and begin to follow her around. One of them even pulled out a camera and took a picture of her. If a man treated woman with all purity, then he wouldn't bat an eye at a woman like that let alone give her overbearing attention. He does not want himself to get preceived as sexualizing females in the viewpoint of that woman, any other women, or by any other man. He should avert his eyes from those images and focus on seeing a woman's goodness of heart, quality of correctness, and modesty in appearance.
When we as Black men see women as gentleladies in their inner qualities rather than in terms of their outside parts, then I believe that treating women correctly will just blossom in our lives.
Being a man means first having high morality.
When a good black woman meets a good black man she automatically expects him to be less than what she needs.
I agree with this, but I don't think black women should get excused for this attitude because by setting their expectations low for a prospective beau from the beginning, a woman may sabotage any chance he may have with her due to her unrealistically high criteria.
Back in college I had a female friend that told me she used a points system for rating any prospective beaus' actions in her company. When he does something good, he gains 10 points. When he makes a mistake, he loses 50 points. Already, she expects him to be less than what see needs because she created a standard so rigorous that his chances of failure sky-rocket above his chances of success.
If a nice guy comes over to meet a nice woman, she should see him like the ETS sees a student performing on the SAT: he should have a perfect score until he messes up. In other words, she should see him positively until he does something to lose credibility.
In reality however, she sees him negatively until he does something positive. I believe that attitude stems from a woman's overcautiousness: if a nice guy comes along, she still won't date him for no clear reason.
You must spend time with a guy in order to find out his positiveness or negativeness. Otherwise, you see an idealistic picture of a man in your mind and you make presumptions about him with no empirical basis to back up your viewpoints. So many women that I know prefer to hold back from allowing herself to officially let a nice fellow court her until she sees reasons to stop. They prefer to stay neutral ("We'll see what happens") rather than say "Yes, you can see me." or "No, thank you".
What can we do about it? I suppose we should continue to devote ourselves to serving others and try to treat women as they would like us to treat them.
When a good black man meets a good black woman he has to figure out the proper way to make her feel special and secure and dig through the shell that she has around her heart (that is of course, if he actually believes that she needs him).
I understand what you mean, but I disagree a little bit with the approach. lol...thankfully, I don't think it has to be quite so philosophical and complicated.
I just think a good black woman wants someone that gives her good conversation. If you get interested in what she has to say, then you will get interested in her life.
On the whole, a man should make sure that he tells a woman how she makes him feel without hinting anything sexual or generic. After you do that, if she wants you to court her, she will let you know. If not, then you gain her genuine esteem (which is what I find missing from most male/female relationships in general).
For example, I met a nice lady in one of my graduate classes last Fall. We started talking in class about all kinds of pointless things (Quality smalltalk...is that an oxymoron?
) At the end of that first day, I gave her the only genuine compliment that I could give her: it was fun talking to you. I told her that she knew a lot of things that I didn't know and that she taught me a lot of stuff that I didn't know. Further in the year, she helped me get some class notes and assignments that I missed due to my job. I gave her another genuine compliment: you are very dependable and I thank you for all of your help and kindness.
Over the course of the whole year from fall to spring, I made sure she knew how I felt about her. Here is a sample of some of things that I told her:
1. You are always so cheerful in the evening.
2. Thanks for helping me study for the exam last night.
3. You really are well-organized, can you give me some adivce about it?
4. Is there anything that I can do to help you in our class?
None of these compliments and such are very unique, but notice that they are honest and genuine.
As I speak, this same woman holds such a high level of admiration and esteem for me that I sometimes feel embarassed by the all the attention. She seeks me out. She calls me. She wants to spend time for me simply because she realizes that I enjoy her company because of her plainness.
I hope some of this made sense.
Thank you again for the nice post, enlightenment06.
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What about what is her level of happiness. Just because you are with a good man does not make him the RIGHT man for you. I think we need to retrain ourselves and children on how to handle relationships.
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