Dating outside your religion: Christian/Jewish

[*winter*]

I'm interested in hearing anyone's experience? I'm...well no formal religion, was raised Catholic but I don't go to church. I'm Christian, that I do consider myself. And the potential guy is Jewish. Says he isn't religious either (we are just getting to know each other).

His family seems religious, I don't know them that well. They seem like very nice people. Hard working and down to earth, like my family...But I'm always afraid people's parents will hate me so this isn't helping...

My family wouldn't care. They would probably be all nosy and ask a million questions cuz that's how they are when something is different. My dad would be asking me about our future children. But my dad still thinks he risked going to Hell by getting divorced, LOL. He'd deal with it though. Despite being Catholic my dad is pretty cool

I wouldn't convert to anyone's religion- that's just not my thing. I know i believe in Jesus Christ...although my mind pointed out to me that i have no real proof of His existence the other night. And I wouldn't expect someone to convert to mine. I wouldn't mind if my kids were raised in a different religion- I just want them to believe in God...that's not negotiable for me. Whoever I date has to believe in something. Otherwise I just feel weird.

[pinksequins]

It's VERY early in your relationship. Conversion? Children? For all you know, the two of you may find that for a host of non-religious reasons that you prefer to be friends. Get to know each other. If the relationship progresses beyond friendship, the two of you will talk about a lot of issues, including religious views. Rachet down the worrying for now.

[*winter*]

I know, I didn't develop these ideas specifically around him...they have always been my beliefs. I've just never had it come up before!

[amIblue?]

Originally Posted by pinksequins

It's VERY early in your relationship. Conversion? Children? For all you know, the two of you may find that for a host of non-religious reasons that you prefer to be friends. Get to know each other. If the relationship progresses beyond friendship, the two of you will talk about a lot of issues, including religious views. Rachet down the worrying for now.

This for shizzle. See if you actually like each other for the other stuff first.

That being said, people can make interfaith relationships work, but in my experience with friends who are in interfaith relationships, religion is not particularly important to either person. They do the secular type stuff, but don't get down to the nitty gritty religious stuff.

[MaggieXi]

My husband and I are both from different faiths. Similar to you, I was raised Catholic, but am not practicing. My immediate family is not religious, but does believe in Jesus Christ, goes to church for Christmas and Easter. My husband was raised Jewish, but will tell you he is agnostic. His family is moderately religous and have approached me about converting more than once, which I have politely declined. We've decided to expose our daughter to a little bit of both religions (she's 2, so she can't sit/keep her attention for very long), but we have decided that she will be raised as agnostic, but we will still go to my husband's family gatherings for the Jewish Holidays, the Santa part of Christmas and the Easter Bunny. My immediately family doesn't seem to mind, they've never voiced an opinion. My husband's family is fairly annoying about having our daughter raised Jewish - comments about her going to a Jewish Daycare so she can get some religion, or "joking" about her Bat Mitzvah is 11 years. My daughter does have 2 cousins on my husband's side that is being raised similarly, so we are not alone in the comments.

[whiteviolet]

Originally Posted by amIblue?

That being said, people can make interfaith relationships work, but in my experience with friends who are in interfaith relationships, religion is not particularly important to either person. They do the secular type stuff, but don't get down to the nitty gritty religious stuff.

Agreed. I don't think the relationship can work when both parties are deeply invested in their faith. Of course there are always exceptions.

[DrPhil]

This was on the Diane Rehm Show this morning.
Good discussion: http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/20...faith-families

Years ago I shortly kicked it with a couple non-Christian men of the African diaspora. It wasn't a big issue because we were in our 20s and not trying to settle down.

As for a longterm life partner, that is only a Christian nondenominational who focuses on spirituality more than religion as an institution. My significant other isn't conservative and doesn't take the Bible that literally (taking the Bible as literature is more appropriate). We can attend churches of various denominations and praise and worship at home and at church. We can also figuratively tell Christians to kiss our asses when they try to instill their interpretation of this faith-base on us.

I agree with what the researcher said on NPR. Troubles arise when people attempt to reach compromise and discover that most religions have common ground--a belief in a high power(s), people should be nice to each other, people should help the needy, etc. That reminds us that religions are humans who find other humans with whom they agree. The spiritual and faith dynamic matters more to some of us.

[DubaiSis]

As 2 religions go, I personally think Catholic and Jewish blend together better than others because of the adherence to age-old tradition and the structure of the family. A Catholic and a Southern Baptist, as an example, would have way more religious differences.

And I do think that on or about the first date is exactly the time to think about this. If marrying someone outside your religion, race, socio-economic status, whatever is a deal-breaker and marriage is your purpose for dating, then you should not date someone at all who doesn't meet those parameters. Now, that is COMPLETELY not saying you should have deal-breakers along those lines (variety is the spice of life, after all), but step #1 is know yourself. Kicking that can down the road will only lead to heartache later. And if you'd like for those issues to not be deal breakers, then now is the time to deal with that as well. If your family would disown you for marrying X person who isn't good enough, how much control do you want them to continue to hold over you? Maybe it's worth it to surrender control to your mother because you're on track to inherit 10 million dollars and that's important to you. Or maybe with a little thought you realize your Mom is just a heli-parent and it's time to cut the cord. Dealing with that when you're not dealing with a blossoming relationship sounds like a better choice.

[*winter*]

That is kind of how I see it. Once you really like the person, everything seems doable- and some things aren't for some people.

[DrPhil]

We all have our dealbreakers. There are some things that are without compromise no matter how much you like (or love) a person. Variety is only the spice of life if the variations don't drive you crazy.

At the surface-level, I consider like and love to be temporary and shortsighted. Longevity and happiness are about compatibility beyond mere feelings. What made me like and love someone in my teens and 20s is different than what made me like and love someone in my 30s. Thank God.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

I'm a fan of thinking about this early, because you don't want to invest time and energy in a relationship only to find out that he will never be serious about you for a reason you can't change.

The thing about Jews is that a lot of us identify culturally without identifying religiously...fewer than half of American Jews actually believe in God. So the fact that he is Jewish doesn't tell you a ton about what he actually thinks of the metaphysical.

[cheerfulgreek]

For me, when choosing a man to be my husband, it is much more than being spiritual, religious, saved, or born again, or whether he goes to church. I've made mistakes when I was younger, and dated men without asking the questions that are now important ones to ask. Does this man have a relationship with God? Does he hold himself accountable to God? In other words, does he care what God thinks about his behavior?

The connection (to me) should be something a lot deeper than his knowing about Jesus or simply being spiritual. He has to be involved with and accountable to God. The accountability factor is very important to me, because I know if he won't break God's heart, he won't break mine. Equally important is how compatible we are to one another --being like me at heart, as in, his inner core, yet different in function.

I also don't believe that two Christians equal compatibility. My decision for a mate is made on a spiritual and intellectual basis before it is made on an emotional one. Yes, I believe that God is the cord that holds us together in the first place. But (to me) it is equally important that we have common interests and values, and agree on the essentials of living day to day. For me, this is where being "like" comes in. Being of "like" kind (to me) means that we are compatible in many ways. We have a similar spiritual walk. We enjoy a lot of similar things. We have "like" interests, "like" goals in life, "like" opinions on basic life issues. We have had "like" experiences in our background, such as family, friends, and associates. Though there is some truth to the idiom that opposites attract, I believe that like-minded couples fare better together. After all, why do we have the friends we have? --Because we share like interests and views. And (to me) marriage is one of the longest and most important friendships I will ever have. I need to not only be in love with him, but I need to be in like with him as well.

Everyone has their own agenda when choosing a mate, but those are some of the things I base my choices on. My husband needs to be and is the period at the end of the sentence of my life, and God has to be the center of our marriage and what He put together.

[IUHoosiergirl88]

I dated a Jewish guy for 4 years and I found that as a female, the pressure was much higher than on his sister's non-Jewish husband. There were a number of comments about conversion, etc. etc. and ultimately it made me rather uncomfortable

[happilyanchored]

Originally Posted by IUHoosiergirl88

I dated a Jewish guy for 4 years and I found that as a female, the pressure was much higher than on his sister's non-Jewish husband. There were a number of comments about conversion, etc. etc. and ultimately it made me rather uncomfortable

Technically, from what I understand (raised Reform Jewish, but have had experiences with almost all levels of Judaism), if your children's mother is not Jewish, they are not really considered Jewish in the traditional sense. I was lucky enough to participate in birthright recently and during one of our discussion sessions, it was eyeopening to me that, when asked if you would consider marrying outside Judaism, it was split down gender lines and women all said yes but men said no. So depending on how seriously a man/family takes this idea (whether or not a child is raised Jewish doesn't matter), conversion can be a legitimate topic of discussion.

Hopefully that made sense. Typing on a phone is tough work.

I'm nowhere near ready to start remotely thinking about marriage, but I know my mom would like me to marry a Jewish man, although as long as the grand kids are raised Jewish she doesn't mind. I'm just hoping to find someone to put up with me for now

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by DeltaBetaBaby

I'm a fan of thinking about this early, because you don't want to invest time and energy in a relationship only to find out that he will never be serious about you for a reason you can't change.

That seemed to be the feeling if the people on The Diane Rehm Show episode that Dr. Phil linked to, both for the reason you said and because once you're invested in the relationship, it's easy to think "Oh, we can work this out" or "it'll take care of itself," only to find out later that it's usually not that simple.